2024-12-08 - Warner Family Dinner Pt. 1

It is time for family dinner. Which means Bam is...not here yet.

Somehow Ari's on the hook for family dinner. He doesn't even remember how that happened, except someone volunteered him for the duty and that was that. He had a truly hellacious time at the grocery store earlier in the day and had promptly taken a nap as soon as he was home, but now it's time to get cooking.

So, uh, that's what he's doing! He's in the kitchen, the giant pot that Mom used to make dinners with is on the stove, and the entirety of their shared apartment smells like garlic and onions. His laptop is sat on one of the kitchen counters where he frequently consults... is that a spreadsheet? Did Ari make a spreadsheet to help him manage family dinner?

Yes. Yes he did.

He doesn't touch the keyboard though, because he's currently dropping meatballs into a skillet to brown. Thankfully he seems to know something about food safety, otherwise this would be a literal recipe for disaster. And since he's the chef he has some sort of informational YouTube video on in the background, which is explaining at length a bridge collapse that happened in the far-flung past and the various physical causes. Very festive, that.

Neve is playing the role of prep chef today. Is she making any decisions? No, absolutely not. But she is doing her part and chopping vegetables and other random duties for Ari. She doesn't say much, because she's zoning out and half paying attention to the YouTube video while the other half of her brain makes sure she doesn't chop any digits off.

Callie walks in, slowly, still bleary-eyed.

She is so happy that she doesn't need to do this part of family planning. She spots the laptop on a spreadsheet, pausing to look at what is on the screen. Her eyes shift to Ari, and her mouth opens to say something, and then it closes again.

She eventually sits next to Neve and watches her chop things, slightly worried for her fingers.

There are multiple tabs of the spreadsheet. One, naturally, is for the recipe, with the amounts upscaled to account for the number of people Ari intends to feed today (with leftovers). Another is a carefully planned schedule of when things should happen, so that the spaghetti doesn't overcook and the garlic bread doesn't burn. He's following it to the letter.

While Neve works on cutting up the last of the herbs, Ari stands at the stove, wielding a wooden utensil in a defensive position as he watches meatballs browning. Don't worry, he washed his hands.

"Hi," he offers up to Callie when she arrives. It's all his already-frazzled brain can manage. But hey, he's sticking to his schedule!

"Hi," greets Neve when Callie arrives. Despite any concern, she is quite competent in the kitchen so slicing mishaps happen so far. She is very focused despite the sleepiness in her eyes. "Smells good," she adds with a tilt of her head toward Ari. Minimal words, chill vibes.

"Now I'm gone, but you're still layin'
"Next to me, one degree of separation..."

Wash slides into the room, wrapping his arms around Callie from behind and taking her wrists to make her dance with him.

"Well, I heard you're back together and if that's true,
"You'll just have to taste me when he's kissin' you..."

He moves Callie's arms up and down before twirling her and releasing her. "Reggie said he's coming in a bit. This smells good y'alllllllllll."

Somewhere in the park, Bam opens his eyes.

"I'm supposed to be somewhere, aren't I?" he murmurs to himself as he glances at his watch.

Or where his watch should be.

"Hmmm. Where's my watch?"

This mystery should occupy him for another ten minutes at least.

Callie might look like the type that only moves when she wants to, she moves with Wash smoothly, and with some grace.

When she's twirled and released, she claps a hand over her mouth briefly and moves to take a seat. "I'm so fucking tired." She pulls her oversized cardigan closer to her body, pulling her legs up on the chair and relaxing.

"Whatcha making Ari?" She would rather ask than peek.

The YouTube video blessedly comes to an end, unless you're super interested to hear more about mechanical resonance and aeroelastic flutter. Ari is, of course, but he decides against choosing another since people are arriving.

He waves at Wash with a wooden spoon, then realizes that hand is, yes, occupied, so he uses the other one to properly wave. And then he murmurs a quick thank-you to Neve before measuring and then adding the herbs she's chopped into the big pot. "Spaghetti and meatballs," he announces for Callie's sake, and then he tries not to beam under Wash's compliment.

But he kind of does anyway. He's trying his best.

"Oh good, we probably won't die from that," is Lora's way of announcing her arrival as she shoulders her way in, poking Wash unceremoniously in the ribs just as he releases Callie, as any younger sibling is oft to do. "Gods, someone please check to make sure Bam didn't drop his watch in the sauce... I am not here for culinary creativity." Despite her dry tone, she's digging around in the cabinets for something like a vase because she has brought what looks to be a very lovely, festive bouquet of flowers.

"That sounds good." Callie exhales a low breath and shifts a bit, settling into the chair. She gazes over her knees at her siblings. "Where are our other brothers? Where is Reggie?" A beat. "Where is Bam?"

"Did anyone call Mom this week? I didn't, and you know that if nobody checks in, we're going to get a strongly worded family email shortly." Her eyes shift to Wash. "You should call her this week."

"I called her," says Neve, who has now transitioned to sitting on the floor in front of the couch with Sarama in her lap. "Everything is fine. She'll still probably email though."

"I said Reggie's incoming. I ain't telling you what he was doing because you'll just throw shit and call me gross. Also," Wash says, sidling over next to neve and sinking down to sit next to her. He leans over and smooches her cheek. "Best sister, because she got me off the hook. Isn't she amazing? Look at her beautiful face." He frames it with his hands.

"No clue on Bam. Probably got distracted freestylin' with baby Jesus."

From the kitchen, Ari calls out: "I texted her!" He doesn't do phone calls.

He also isn't leaving the kitchen, so as most of the sibs settle into seats, Ari pauses in his meatball-tending to help Lora find a vase. Of course what he actually manages to find is a glass pitcher, which he offers up sheepishly. "Will this work?"

Then he's back at the stove, transferring the previously mentioned meatballs into a dish to, presumably, go in the oven. There are still a lot of meatballs to go. How many did he make, exactly?

"There was some freestylin, but Jesus had nothing to do with it."

Bam slips in from the doorway with that Bam shit eating grin, wider even than normal, which is saying something. "Sorry, I got tied up." The giggle that follows sounds like a high schooler trying out innuendo for the first time. Given the slight redness of his eyes, it is not hard to figure out why high school humor is making him laugh like it was a Chris Rock joke.

He gives a wave as he makes his way over towards a seat. "Smells great, Ari. I'm starving." A hand brushes against Callie's shoulder in greeting, along with a brief kiss to the very top of her head as he passes by her chair, and then Bam moves to take a seat at the table.

"Wait. I'm not the last one here?" It almost looks like he is getting ready to get up as if to take advantage of the extra time that might have afforded him.

"Uh huh." Neve gives Wash a skeptical look, but then a few beats later rests her head on his shoulder while hugging Sarama closer. Thirty second nap, commence! "I just need to close my eyes for a minute. Hi Bam," she squeezes that greeting in at the very end.

"Heathen," Lora says fondly to Ari as she takes the pitcher and promptly prepares the flowers with that little packet of what she has always assumed is like cocaine for flora. She arranges the flowers into the vase and then pads over to set the flowers down on the table. "Bam's never late. Bam's always on time. We're just extra earlier than Bam."

She sighs as she sags into a seat, dropping her head onto her folded arms. "I called Mom yesterday. She wants us to do some group photo or something. I asked her if we had to wear matching clothes. She suggested hats." She looks up off her arms at the rest of her siblings. "I countered with socks."

Callie shakes her head. "Group photos never seem to go well with us. Someone is always dressed wrong. Someone else makes a face. Someone's eyes are always closed." She makes a noise and pulls a book from her bag. "Let's plan on something, put it on the calendar, and then conveniently -- forget." She arches a brow, waiting for someone to counter her arguments. "How long until food, Ari?"

"Hi Neve." Bam wriggles his fingers at his sister before looking towards Lora. "Hats would be easier," he volunteers before leaning back in his seat to lift up his legs, hands reaching down to tug up on either side of his jeans to reveal his current footwear. He does actually have on the same pair of socks with Oscar the Grouch scowling, but has a red sneaker and a white sneaker on. "Oh, huh. Maybe socks would work fine." He drops the feet back down onto the floor, before spinning his butt on the chair to look towards Callie.

"Lemme be in charge of a group wardrobe item. I promise it'll be a group photo never to forget."

A Bit Later...

The arrival of Oregon Warner to the Warner Feast is one that looks as normal as possible. Because he's coming out of his room with a stack of scripts and a pile of highlighters in his hand. He looks like he's behind schedule, which never really happens, but he did meet different people recently so a lot of his scheduled time has been broken up by things that he normally wouldn't have been involved in. Also, Reggie's just always working so that's a thing. Even after this delicious meal he has to sneak away to make sure that the new pink and green lights arrived and inventory them. Stage Manager work is never done.

"Late. Sorry. Won't happen again." Reggie offers to his siblings on his way to a seat. A seat where he can plop the scripts down next to him and crack open a pink highlighter in record time. He's already script skimming when conversations about the 'Rents are going. He doesn't mention that he calls them every day. Probably to snitch on everything that's going on around here. Instead he just adds his two cents. "Wash can hold up a 'Times 2' sign in this one. It'll solve half our problems."

Highlighter twirl (Reggie's getting good at those) and he's on to studying the first script. With one ear to the Warner Feast conversations so that he can also be present socially. Multitasking is his thing, right?

Someone's talking at him. Ari pauses in his meatball transport subroutine to let his brain play catch up, and then he's calling out "Twenty minutes!" to Callie.

The flowers also get an appreciative nod, while he's not busy doing something else. "They look nice. This is nice." He's telling the truth about the flowers, but he sounds a little frazzled for the second half of that statement. Hopefully the effort to put this food on the table is worth it!

Right, time to get the spaghetti boiling. Given the sauce is in the big pot, he has to use two smaller ones on the stovetop. How did mom ever manage to feed them?

"Do I have to be in the photo?" Ari asks, without looking back over his shoulder towards where everyone is gathered. Another thing he doesn't do: pictures.

Honestly the list of things that Ari doesn't do is probably a mile long. Thankfully it usually only takes a little bit of peer pressure to make him cave, or else he'd never leave the apartment.

"Yes. We all have to be in the photo. If you're missing, Mom is going to complain." Callie glances at the others before she adds. "Unless someone wants to get a candid of you while you're not looking, perhaps we can -- you know -- get you a pass from Mom."

She shifts in the chair, making a noise as she stretches her legs out. "Twenty minutes. Sketties."

Bam wrinkles his nose in thought as he gazes at Callie. Thoughtfully. "I dunno, maybe the magic of this place will find a way to give Ari the courage he needs to show up in a photo, the same way it gave Lora a heart and ... " He looks around for a moment, and then sighs. "Fuck. Everyone's here. I guess I'll take the brain."

"... and when Mom complains, she complains to me because I'm the one that knows all of your weaknesses. And if Mom gives me the order, I'll unleash my fury of contingencies upon you all like a sward of rabid bats during mating season. At night." While the threat may come from some weird and twisted angle, the tone of Reggie's voice during such is really just as scatterbrained and pre-occupied as it always is whenever he's going through a script.

"By the way, after social meal time, we really need to start nailing down what shows we're doing in the spring." Reggie raises a hand to block any particular protesting that may come in his direction. "I know, work talk during chow time is so not Fetch but that's why I'm dibs-ing an After Dinner Pow Wow Sesh."

"Are you one of those nut jobs who is like, 'Batman can beat anyone because he's got CONTINGENCIES'?" Bam laughs."if you wanted to unleash something on me you'd have to find my first."

Bam looks over towards Callie to follow-up as he volunteers for something: a rarity. "I was talking to this hot photographer. I can hook up with her and have her come take the photos for Mom if you want to let me handle it." He looks at his big sister with utter sincerity.

"Let me take care of this for you. I can take one for the team."

"Why is it always the hot someone? Do we know any regular someones?" Callie remarks with a bit of a grumble. The look of sincerity is met with a stare of suspicion. "You can take care of this, but if it goes tits up, you're also taking the blame."

That's the way siblings roll.

Lora turns a scathing look at Reggie, though there's a flash of warm amusement in her light eyes. "Mom knows I'm Mary Poppins... Practically Perfect in Every Way. I have no weaknesses." She sits primly on her seat, though ruins the entire look by sticking her tongue out at Reggie.

Talk turns toward work, and she drops her cheek onto her knuckles, propped up on the table. "See, I thought I knew what photographer you were talking about, but my hot photographer has he/him pronouns. Amazing beard." She looks over at Bam, grinning when Callie assigns him the family photo. "Oh, oh... do we need... props, Bam?"

"I'm the Cowardly Lion now?" Ari asks, aggrieved, from the kitchen area. So aggrieved, in fact, that he's pointing the sauce spoon directly at Bam in as menacingly a way as he can manage. Which, it's Ari. It's not, like... super menacing, but he's trying his best.

Things get shuffled into the oven, and there's a lot of clanging as he struggles to shift things around to make room for both the meatballs and all the garlic bread he's prepared. Because, carbs. There's already carbs in the form of the spaghetti, which is now on to boil, but... more carbs never hurt.

"I have to survive the holiday shows first," Ari says to Reggie, shoulders hunching up and a distant stare forming on his face as he thinks back to his work schedule.

"Sorry, only the hot ones are allowed to hang with us. We're all too hot to hang with the normies." Bam gives Callie a sweet smile. "Well, except for that one of us that isn't as hot as the rest, but we would never tell..." He pauses, slowing dramatically. "...them."

Turning to regard Lora for a moment, Bam nods quickly in agreement. "Absolutely. Maybe we should do a themed photo? Like, you grab a hat and an umbrella to be Mary Poppins. Callie can be that mom from Brave who is over this shit, and..." He looks around. "I mean, everyone could pick their own character. I could be that lobster from The Little Mermaid..."

He trails off as Ari comes over towards him. "No, if we're doing Disney, you could be, like, that guy who hangs around with Captain Hook and..."

Then Ari menaces the sauce spoon at him. The sauce spoon that had been in the sauce. That carried sauce on it. Little bits of sauce. That when flung....

"Aaaaaahhhhhh he got me!" Bam clutches his chest where perhaps a small smatter of sauce landed on his shirt and leans backwards in the chair. The chair pitches backward as he tumbles, but he carefully catches the edge of the table as he goes with his feet to ensure that the pratfall is safe and the back of the chair, and his back, hit the ground uninjured.

"Murder by marinara..."

"They aren't contingencies if they are activated with love. They are parameters for modifications of behavior." Even while saying those words that make absolutely no sense, Reggie makes sure to sprinkle a little bit of Christian Bale Batman onto his voice. He still hasn't actually looked up from the script he's working on because this particular page needs some serious highlighting. How is he going to make a someone fall from the top of a skyscraper on stage?

Lora's words cause an eyebrow to raise. "That's something a Nanny McPhee would say." Reggie flips the current page of the script. "Boom. Roasted." The dryness of that is what's going to sell the comedy beat. He fan feel it.

"We work here and you want to do a theme of the competition?" is the query tossed out in the general direction of both the group and the Bam. "This is definitely where having a twin comes in handy. I'd like to keep my job, thanks." He grabs his pencil and scrawls something in the margins of the script. Something about tweaking the drug use. "And maybe avoid a cease and desist letter." Shots fired at Disney.

Ari's voice reaches a pitch never before heard from him. "Mr. Smee?" he asks. Bam definitely deserves getting spattered with sauce at this point, so Ari doesn't look the least bit guilty, though he does say, "There's a Tide pen in the bathroom," because he is also a little bit too nice.

The rest of the fam squabbles, as they do, while Ari returns to the kitchen. Sauce is stirred, spaghetti is drained, and then finally plates are pulled from the cabinets, silverware from the drawer, and as the smell of garlic almost becomes overpowering thanks to the garlic bread coming out of the oven, Ari calls out in an echo of Mama Warner, "Get your butts in here and eat before it gets cold!"

After, when they're arranged around the room with full plates and the promise of full bellies, Ari takes his own seat (on the floor, gotta pay those little brother dues) and looks around. He doesn't ask after how it is, despite very much wanting to, he just tucks in and hopes it all worked out okay.

Maybe they'll ask him to do it again next week. It wasn't as bad as he was expecting it to be!